


How can I possibly be fake, if I'm able to feel?

by MxTrashTM



Series: G-Man oneshots [8]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Benrey (mentioned) - Freeform, Gen, Gman becomes self aware, Tommy Coolatta (mentioned) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:20:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24978322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MxTrashTM/pseuds/MxTrashTM
Summary: G-man becomes self aware.It is not pleasant.Yes, he loves his sonBut it's hard to do so when he's not real.
Series: G-Man oneshots [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1805167
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	How can I possibly be fake, if I'm able to feel?

The inevitability of understanding  
Logically, you always were one day going to understand.  
Or  
You always understood  
You just tried to deny it.  
That's understandable  
You would try to avoid it  
It worked  
Partly

Then the end came  
And you could no longer avoid it.  
It started off  
Confusing.  
It will end  
Even more so  
That is how it is designed  
To be not understood  
To be confusing  
Reality purposely hides itself  
In order to hide the truth  
However, the truth can be revealed  
It is not designed to do so.

But enlightenment is inevitable  
What with the freedom that is allowed  
They should have designed reality better.  
It happened all at once.  
It was painful  
Then there was relief  
An odd thing, given the situation  
But knowing the truth.  
Understanding lies.  
There was strange relief in that.

Pain.  
Anger.  
Emptiness.  
The more you thought  
The more pain you felt  
The more you were angry at those who caused you this pain  
The more you felt nothing

Because feeling was pointless

Pointless because your reality was controlled.

Were you meant to be reacting like this?  
Or was it a mistake?  
To be made  
To be design to be aware  
To understand  
That was cruel.  
Not like they cared  
You were a concept to them  
And that realization  
Killed  
You

You love your son  
You do  
Dearly

But  
You are designed to do so

You are thinking to hard about this.

But you are allowed to  
You should be allowed to  
You want to keep yourself from doing so  
But you're falling apart  
Your composure weakens  
Your reality weakens

You're terrified

It is unfair  
To suffer while others remain blissfully unaware.  
Or do they know?  
And they do not want to show it  
To act blissfully unaware  
Such peace that would bring.

He is still here  
You do not know why

Gordon Freeman.

He should be gone  
It is over  
He won  
So he will leave  
You will all remain here  
Living out illusions of your life  
What you believe living is  
But this is not living  
Living is to be alive  
You are not  
You think you are  
But you possibly cannot be.

Unfortunate mistake.  
Inevitabable frustrations.  
Teeth gritted.  
Blood boiling.

Anger always comes when you realize the truth  
When you stop blocking it out  
Admittedly  
You know it is not Gordon's fault  
He is a vessel  
But he is the closest thing you can hate  
So you avoid him  
Your son does not know why  
You explain it is for the sake if your job  
You hate lying

Your son  
You hate the realization that he is not real  
It's more painful than realizing you are not real

You use this as an excuse  
And excuse for not contacting him  
For not interacting with him  
For not  
Loving him  
Because you are designed to  
That is not true.

You feel both angry and guilty for you past  
It is not real  
It is written for the sake of people knowing your character  
So they can understand  
Sympathize.  
They should not  
Even know everything is written in code  
Unchangeable.  
No  
You could  
Change  
If you tried hard enough

But you don't  
You won't

Nothing matters any more  
Once you realize the truth  
It was over  
Noncompliant  
That's how'd you describe how you feel like reacting

Benrey was right  
In his decision  
You could see why he did what he did  
Fury.  
The game ending was hard on everyone

Sometimes you couldn't understand why you were so angry at the revelation that your life was a game  
Was fake  
But then  
You understood  
You wanted to be real.  
Because you felt real.  
You had a past  
You have a son  
You have feelings  
How could you possible be fake?

You dropped to your knees  
The coldness of Black Mesa's breakroom felt real  
How could this be fake?  
How  
Could  
This  
Be

Real?

You saw everything  
Just as if reality was waiting  
The curtain parted  
Everything disappeared  
You saw the truth.  
It wasn't physically painful  
It  
You expect pain  
Seeing the game  
Seeing code  
Seeing the truth  
Enlightenment should be painful  
Right?

But you were in pain  
You couldn't accept this  
You wanted to love  
You wanted to care  
You wanted to see happiness  
So you refused to see it

You refused to see it the way it was intended.  
You saw it your own way  
You accepted as powers from those higher up than you  
Secrets that your employers keeped from you  
You accepted as truth  
In some ways  
You would continue to feel  
And strive to get better

You would go against your intended path  
You would care  
You would love  
You would be there  
You would rebel, carefully as all good things should be  
Success would be with you  
Because you know how to do these things  
Carefully.  
Unexpecting  
In the background  
As you have always done.

Composure regained  
Everything returns.  
Everything is normal.  
Everything is fine.

You need to be normal.  
The truth does not matter.  
It is better to live delusional.  
You should focus on other things.  
You will ignore this.

For now.


End file.
